Sunday, August 22, 2010

The Woman I WANT to be

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the kind of mom/woman I want to be. Some things are realistic, and some are not. I've had a hard time recently - getting a little depressed about things I want that aren't coming fast enough for me. I know that I need to be more patient, but it is SO hard for me. One of the biggest struggles for me right now is my weight. I'll just come out and be upfront about it - I weigh 162 lbs. I'm only 5'3. Now, technically that is 3 lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight, but it's still quite a bit above where it needs to be. I exercise, I eat mostly healthy foods and definitely in moderation, and I'm breastfeeding. All of those are ways to get to a healthy weight, but it's just not happening. As pathetic as it sounds, I literally cry about it. I would give a lot to be one of those naturally skinny girls that doesn't have to do anything to keep her weight down. In high school, I was tiny. I mean, really tiny - I was 115 lbs at my heaviest point in high school. And that was AFTER blowing out my knee and moving to another state and suffering from serious anxiety and depression.

(excuse the belly showing and short shorts. I was not very modest back then. Also, the picture quality sucks. It was like a 3 or 4 megapixel camera.)

(Again, please disregard the immodesty...and the lazy eye.)
After moving to Chicago, I gained about 20 lbs, even walking EVERY day. By the time I left, I was about 140 lbs.

(Once again, please don't mind the poor quality - I think this was taken with my phone.)

Then I moved down to Provo, and gained 10 more lbs.

(Halloween 2007)

And then I gained 20 lbs. No joke, I was 170 lbs on my wedding day. Gross huh? Luckily, my dress was a corset back. It really did make all the difference.

And then I lost 5 lbs, and got pregnant. Yup, 165 and 163 lbs respectively.

And then I gained 19 lbs!

Three weeks post partum, back down to 165, but shaped very differently.

And this is me as of about a week ago at 162.

So I guess I am slowly making progress. I just wish it was faster!

I want to be
-the woman that weighs 120 lbs-
-the woman that walks out of the hospital in her size 3 pre-pregnancy jeans-
-the woman that always has perfect hair and makeup-
-the woman whose house is always spotless-
-the woman who can spend all day playing with her baby, and still have amazing, healthy meals on the table for dinner every night.-
-the woman who always has a smile on her face-
-the woman who always has clean laundry to wear-
-the woman that doesn't have to worry about bills being paid on time, or how we are going to buy food/clothes/etc. -
-the superwoman who is able to maintain house and home, marriage, family, church callings, and herself.

Instead I am
-the woman that weighs 162 lbs-
-the woman that was in her pre-pregnancy jeans in about 3 weeks, but they were a size 7, and a bit stretched out from wearing them for over half my pregnancy so it doesn't count.-
-the woman that is lucky to get a shower everyday, let alone do her makeup or heaven forbid blowdry and straighten her hair.-
-the woman who has dishes in the sink and hasn't vacuumed her living room in a week. (Luckily, I'm getting better at this one.)-
-the woman that barely manages to get boxed dinners on the table, and begs her husband to pick something up on the way home half the time.-
-the woman who gets a little down sometimes-
-the woman who usually wears a shirt 3 times before finally washing clothing and garments in the bathtub because we don't have a washer and dryer, and I refuse to take my baby to the dirty laundromat.-
-the woman who is trying to get by with a family of three on a single student's budget.-
-the woman that is definitely not superwoman.-

So, now you know my goals, and the person I long to be. Someday, I will get there. For now, I'll settle on working on it.

For now, I will be grateful for this:

Please ignore the super swollen - 12 hour post partum face, greasy hair, and lack of makeup. And the watermarks. I may or may not have "stolen" this from the website. ;)


Mandi said... you were listing your unhappy list of all the things you actually are...I kept going "yep, I'm that woman too", "yep I also am that one". I currently have nasty dishes in the sink, I'm unshowered, the floor DEFINENTLY needs to be vacuumed, I looked six months pregnant for a couple of weeks after having a baby, and my feet are currently so dry and nasty you could grate cheese on them (that one wasn't even on your list =). I guess my point is that none of us are as glamurous as we wish the world saw us as. P.S. I actually think you look really great. I lie not.

Taffers Dawn said...

Hey girl, I am sorry you are feeling this way, it's hard. But I want to tell you somethings that you have accomplished:
You have an amazing husband who loves you so much!
You have a super cute baby who smiles and laughs at you
You have grown and changed in maturity and spiritually. Sometimes I have to remind myself that you are that same girl that taught me how to swear. ;) (don't judge her folks, bit of an inside joke)
One thing I want to point out and this is something that my dad says to me and my sisters a lot. When we compare ourselves with others we are usually comparing our worst selves to someone's best self which is totally not fair! I do that all the time with other things and i have to remind myself that everyone has their weaknesses. Perhaps one of these girls with the perfect hair and house wish they had a better relationship with their husband or could spend more time with their kids. I am by no means telling you that you shouldn't have these feelings because i would be the same way and I think it's totally normal but I want you to know that I love you SOOOO much girl, we have definetly had our ups and downs but I admire you and I am SOOOO proud of you, I can't even explain it. Keep up the good work, you really are doing a great job. I love you SOOOO much, really I do. I'm here for you!

Jessica said...

Tristan, you're a great woman and a wonderful mother, I'm not all that thin either. I worked HARD to get down to where i am, 145 (150 pre) now and it took me 8 months! I have dishes in my sink and toys all over the place, my house looks like a child tornado ran thru it and my hair looks like i am homeless and some days I dont smell great or have any clean clothes to wear. it's called being a MOM. =) enjoy it and be happy for what you have, JAKEY!!!!

after trying so long and hard to have my body the way it was in high school I realized it just wont happen for me, so try your hardest to be happy with your body type, even if you still eat healthy and work out from time to time, you'll get results one way or another. just be happy and give all the time you can to the little one. love you

Likeursoperfect said...

Thank you, girls. You are amazing, and definitely made me feel better. You all are amazing!

Cassie said...

Thanks for being open about this. I feel like we should hang out.
Lately, i have also felt that way and i wish i could doll up like i used to. It's difficult but worth it.

Likeursoperfect said...

I would love to hang out, Cassie! And I agree. Life is a lot more difficult post-baby, but so worth it.

Thompson Family said...

I'm sorry you're feeling the way your feeling but don't lose heart. As you can see, a lot of women feel this way but isn't it better to feel this way than to have empty arms? I wouldn't trade my life right now to be a women that we ideally want to be because Heavenly Father has given us the greatest gift that we can ever get and that's raising a child.
I want to hang out with you and I don't care if you smell, don't do your hair, make-up and don't have clean clothes. We can hang out while you do laundry :). My house may not be spotless but it's way cleaner than a dirty laundry mat.

Andrew and Christina said...

Tristan- I hope you have read or watched Pride and Prejudice because you sound like Mr. Darcy when they discuss an accomplished woman. He says "A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages, to deserve the word" to which Elizabeth replies, "I am no longer surprised at your knowing only six accomplished women. I rather wonder now at your knowing ANY.... I never saw such a woman..." And then in the movie she adds, "... such a woman would be a fearsome thing to behold."

All the qualities you describe is a such a woman that would quite literally be a fearsome thing to behold. Although there are those that you see who uphold the exterior of a superwoman, on the interior it is quite another case indeed.

I think that you would benefit immensely from some counseling from Drew, as I have (and trust me I have the same exact "should be" this and that issues) because as Drew and many other psychiatrists would tell you is that your "shoulds" in life are expectations that may or may not be realistic. They are perceptions that you have placed on the world and yourself and that when they are not met you get upset/depressed.

I would also love to talk to you! I often feel that I am complaining or whining about how hard life is when I feel like I should be "enduring well". Drew has taught me that it is ok to express and talk about those feelings to others. It's OK to not see instant results, that we are imperfect. Isn't this apart of our trials. We are so imperfect. And I often envy the wonderful life you get to live, to be a stay-at-home mom. To be able to live a domestic life. But life is always greener on the other side I guess. It is nice though to see that you are more like me and feel "unaccomplished" if you will when this whole time I thought your life was perfect. Not nice that you are feeling this way, but nice to know you are human too. It's OK to be imperfect! Revel in your individuality. Focus on your strengths, but also know your weaknesses.

I wish we lived closer! Hang in there and also I would recommend the book "Intuitive Eating". It may be really helpful.

Likeursoperfect said...

Haha Elise - you might regret that when you hear just how much laundry I have. ;]
But it would be fun to hang out!
Christina - I wish we lived closer too! And I usually really envy you. I dearly wish I was done with my degree and could work and save money and go on fun trips. But you are right - the grass is always greener on the other side. And thank you for the book recommendation! I found it on Amazon so I will probably order it tomorrow. =)

Ash said...

wow, I am sorry that you feel this way! I think you are such a confident, go-getting, exciting person! I really like how you are trying so hard though to better yourself, just remember how well you are doing! Life is hard for me right now and that is without a little man to sacrifice everything for! Keep pushing yourself and remember that at the end of every day did it!! You make me feel silly for not working as hard to be better. thanks for showing me up, dang it!! ;)