Lately I have been thinking a lot about the kind of mom/woman I want to be. Some things are realistic, and some are not. I've had a hard time recently - getting a little depressed about things I want that aren't coming fast enough for me. I know that I need to be more patient, but it is SO hard for me. One of the biggest struggles for me right now is my weight. I'll just come out and be upfront about it - I weigh 162 lbs. I'm only 5'3. Now, technically that is 3 lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight, but it's still quite a bit above where it needs to be. I exercise, I eat mostly healthy foods and definitely in moderation, and I'm breastfeeding. All of those are ways to get to a healthy weight, but it's just not happening. As pathetic as it sounds, I literally cry about it. I would give a lot to be one of those naturally skinny girls that doesn't have to do anything to keep her weight down. In high school, I was tiny. I mean, really tiny - I was 115 lbs at my heaviest point in high school. And that was AFTER blowing out my knee and moving to another state and suffering from serious anxiety and depression.
(excuse the belly showing and short shorts. I was not very modest back then. Also, the picture quality sucks. It was like a 3 or 4 megapixel camera.)
(Again, please disregard the immodesty...and the lazy eye.)
After moving to Chicago, I gained about 20 lbs, even walking EVERY day. By the time I left, I was about 140 lbs.
(Once again, please don't mind the poor quality - I think this was taken with my phone.)
Then I moved down to Provo, and gained 10 more lbs.
And then I gained 20 lbs. No joke, I was 170 lbs on my wedding day. Gross huh? Luckily, my dress was a corset back. It really did make all the difference.
And then I lost 5 lbs, and got pregnant. Yup, 165 and 163 lbs respectively.
And then I gained 19 lbs!
Three weeks post partum, back down to 165, but shaped very differently.
And this is me as of about a week ago at 162.
So I guess I am slowly making progress. I just wish it was faster!
I want to be
-the woman that weighs 120 lbs-
-the woman that walks out of the hospital in her size 3 pre-pregnancy jeans-
-the woman that always has perfect hair and makeup-
-the woman whose house is always spotless-
-the woman who can spend all day playing with her baby, and still have amazing, healthy meals on the table for dinner every night.-
-the woman who always has a smile on her face-
-the woman who always has clean laundry to wear-
-the woman that doesn't have to worry about bills being paid on time, or how we are going to buy food/clothes/etc. -
-the superwoman who is able to maintain house and home, marriage, family, church callings, and herself.
Instead I am
-the woman that weighs 162 lbs-
-the woman that was in her pre-pregnancy jeans in about 3 weeks, but they were a size 7, and a bit stretched out from wearing them for over half my pregnancy so it doesn't count.-
-the woman that is lucky to get a shower everyday, let alone do her makeup or heaven forbid blowdry and straighten her hair.-
-the woman who has dishes in the sink and hasn't vacuumed her living room in a week. (Luckily, I'm getting better at this one.)-
-the woman that barely manages to get boxed dinners on the table, and begs her husband to pick something up on the way home half the time.-
-the woman who gets a little down sometimes-
-the woman who usually wears a shirt 3 times before finally washing clothing and garments in the bathtub because we don't have a washer and dryer, and I refuse to take my baby to the dirty laundromat.-
-the woman who is trying to get by with a family of three on a single student's budget.-
-the woman that is definitely not superwoman.-
So, now you know my goals, and the person I long to be. Someday, I will get there. For now, I'll settle on working on it.
For now, I will be grateful for this:
Please ignore the super swollen - 12 hour post partum face, greasy hair, and lack of makeup. And the watermarks. I may or may not have "stolen" this from the website. ;)